1 year

It’s been one year to the day that my dad died, one year to the day that I got that phone call. It was a complete shock and came out of nowhere, and it has been a roller coaster ride since.  The grieving process is a funny thing.  I’ve always heard there are steps, though personally I think I’ve skipped many.

My heart aches some days, some days it seems completely unreal, other days it’s as if it’s been like this for so long, and I am joyous knowing dad is in heaven and I will see him again someday. 

There’s not a day goes by that I don’t think about him. I miss him horribly.  Things just aren’t quite the same.  Some days I have a real good cry (I still need to I guess), and other days I just think of all the good times and have a good laugh.

As I read back on previous posts I’ve written about my dad, I find many of my feelings and what I experienced then I am still experiencing now.  I thought it would be so much better by now, but I guess it takes far longer than 1 year…Maybe it takes a lifetime.

We have been doing some (late) spring cleaning around our house.  My dad’s clothes still sit in bags next to my washer, and I still haven’t washed them.  I wasn’t ready when I mentioned it in a post months ago, and I’m still not ready.  I’m not ready to let them go yet either, but at this point I know I can’t just keep them in a bag forever. It only hurts when I look through them, so I need to let them go.  I asked my uncle and aunts (my dad’s siblings) if they wanted any of it, as well as my grandparents.  They are going to go through them, and then whatever warm clothes are left will go to our family ranch for winter emergencies and the rest will go to GoodWill. I’m happy to know we’ll still have a place where they’ll be, a place where we can go to look at them. Silly, I know, but it makes it a bit easier.

My brother also did some cleaning around his house and gave me a bunch of dad’s things he was getting rid of.  I am sure I won’t have use for most of it, but it’s another thing I just can’t part with yet.  I looked through them tonight, and in it was the shirt that my dad was wearing in the very last picture I have of him, the one with him and Connor just days before he died.  I am so glad I asked my brother to give me these things. That’s one thing I know I’ll be keeping… It still smelled like him. How that is possible a year later I don’t know, but I’m so happy it did.  It made me sad, made me cry, and made me so happy too.

Holidays weren’t easy without him, but we managed.  And now here again we come upon another Father’s Day,  another tough one to deal with. Obviously it will never be the same again.  We’ve been blessed to have friends and family step up and step in to be that granddad figure for my kids, but for me, I’ll never have my dad here and nobody can take that place.  

Ugh, I have many more thoughts I want to share about my dad, but I think I’ll save them for another time.  For now I think I’ll head to bed and hope I’ll dream about the good times.

Comments

  1. (((hugs))) I still have a good cry every now & then and it's been 3 years since we lost our dd. Being unable to conceive since then makes it even harder. We just take it one day at a time.

  2. (((hugs))) I still have a good cry every now & then and it's been 3 years since we lost our dd. Being unable to conceive since then makes it even harder. We just take it one day at a time.

  3. (((hugs))) I still have a good cry every now & then and it's been 3 years since we lost our dd. Being unable to conceive since then makes it even harder. We just take it one day at a time.

  4. Naomi Shapiro says:

    I can't imagine how hard it is to lose a parent. Thinking of you.

  5. Oh sweetie. I wish I had more to say but I'm sending a GIANT hug your way. <3

  6. desertmama says:

    Love that picture!

  7. I can't imagine…I am so scared of losing one of my parents. Hopefully it will get easier for you as time goes by. Just focus on all of the good memories you shared! 🙂

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