Nearly 18 Months Later and Still Crying

While blogging, I often turn on some music as background noise for me.  Shortly after my dad passed away I put a few of the songs that were played at his service on my playlist… I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea, but they are beautiful songs and they remind me of him.  More often than not I hear when they’re coming up and I skip them (I can’t be blubbering every night when I am trying to blog), but tonight I got so caught up that I didn’t notice until it was too late.  Cue the tears.

My dad’s birthday was just a few days ago, and I’ve had a bit of a rough time the days leading up to his birthday and off and on these past few days since.  I feel like- since the first handful of months after his death passed- I haven’t really allowed myself to have a good cry.  So I decided tonight was high time to do that, especially since I already got myself started on accident…

Like father like daughter…?

I feel a bit guilty having these blubber fests when I do.  Why?  Because I know that my dad is in a better place, God called him home because He wanted my dad there, and someday (God willing) I’ll see him again.  I know that life doesn’t end with our death, only our earthly life does. I have great hope knowledge that my dad is in Heaven with Christ and all of my loved ones who’ve gone before.  My cousin posted this song, “Away Down The River” by Alison Krauss, on her Facebook page the night my dad passed away, and I think it’s just perfect…

That said, despite knowing my dad is in Heaven where God wanted him, I still have my moments of great sadness with how much I miss him and just need a good cry.  I still think of him, and have moments where I still think I need to call him up to come over for dinner or see if the kids and I can come over to visit for a bit.  I can’t wait until the day I get to see him again.

While standing in line at Costco the other day I smelled him.  I know this sounds odd, but you know how everyone has their own ‘smell’.  Well, someone around me smelled just like my dad, and it was all I could do first not to break down in tears and second, not to sniff out that person and then just close my eyes and keep smelling them until I’d had my fill.  I resisted, (lucky for both of us I’m sure)…  I do still have one of my dad’s shirts that I cuddle with and smell every once in a while, but now most times it’s almost more torture than I can handle. Amazing that it still has his smell even 17 months later.

Although I’m sad and I miss him and I wish I could hug him one more time and hear his laugh one more time, I’m so thankful for the years I had with him, so thankful to have him for my dad, and more thankful to know I’ll see him again someday.

So now that I’ve had a good cry and put my feelings onto paper (more or less), I’ll share one last song that always makes me think of my dad. He loved this song- “Spirit In The Sky” by Norman Greenbaum- and every time it comes on I can hear him growl, “Oooo, good song!” and start humming and singing along.

Love you so much dad. Miss you tons.


  1. Sandy VanHoey says

    Bless your heart! I am so sorry you are going through this. It is good to cry and let your feeling out. I remember for the longest time after my parents passed, I’d pick up the phone when something was going on to call them…then it would hit again. I finally had to get it in my mind that it’s not forever, it’s just until we get our call to go again. I have my family on vacation in Heaven in my mind I guess. So, I was just like you. You’ll keep and cherish those memories in your heart and I pray God will comfort you during these most difficult times. God Bless You!

  2. Oh, Alesha. It’s been 19 years for me and sometimes I can still smell him or remember the way his hug felt. It’s a bittersweet thing to be able to capture those essences of someone -wonderful, but you long and ache for more. I’m glad you are able to let yourself cry and feel those emotions. Even with strong faith, we still have a loss for now in this life and we should allow ourselves to experience those feelings. Thinking of you today and praying your spirit will be lifted.

  3. Oh Alesha, I can only imagine how hard it is! I think of how blessed you were to have such a beautiful and close relationship with your dad. I don’t think we truly ever get past missing our loved one, especially a parent, even though we know we have the promise of seeing them again one day. Wish I could give you a hug!!

  4. It’s so hard to lose someone that close. I don’t think you should feel guilty; even though he is in a better place, that doesn’t mean you don’t miss his presence here and now. Hang in there, and even though it’s hard, I think it’s good to keep remembering him. Relating his story. Keeping him alive through words; written or spoken.

  5. It’s been 4 years for me and I still cry sometimes. Not nearly as much as I used to, but the tears do come. Sometimes when I see someone who reminds me of how my dad looked or acted at the end, it sends me over the edge.

    Big hugs and love to you!

    • I’m thankful to know time does make it a little less painful. As long as I don’t think on it too much, I do alright.
      Thank you Liz! I’ll take the hugs and love and give you some right back! <3

  6. It’s okay to cry, and to be sad that your dad’s gone. It would be a lot less okay if you didn’t. Missing your dad just shows how strong your bond with him was, and how deep your love. Even when we believe our loved one is with God, we still need to come to terms with the fact that they are no longer here with us. And we miss them.

    It makes me sad that our conventions have made us a society uncomfortable with mourning. It’s a natural process, and one we need to work through in order to find our way onward after the loss of a loved one.

    My dad died almost 20 years ago and there are still times I miss him dreadfully. I have learned to cope better with the loss over time but I’ve also learned that we never fill the spot that absence brings, we just learn to live around it. I’m okay with that, and grateful too that I have such happy memories of Dad that they still touch my heart so strongly.

  7. I’m sorry you’re going through this 🙁 It’s good to have a good ugly cry sometimes. It’s not good to keep those feelings inside and bottled up. I hope things get easier for you as time passes. A play list is a great idea as a way to remember and think about him.

  8. greiving is fine and healthy. You can grief for as long as it takes. There is no reason to try to rush it or suppress it So take your time you need

  9. Carrie Phelps says

    I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I also have a personal connection to music with my brother I lost nine years ago. It makes me miss him so much. They say time makes things better but for me it only makes me miss him more. I also lost my Father seven years ago. Both my Father & my brother passed in the month of June, it’s always a really tough month for me.

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