While blogging, I often turn on some music as background noise for me. Shortly after my dad passed away I put a few of the songs that were played at his service on my playlist… I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea, but they are beautiful songs and they remind me of him. More often than not I hear when they’re coming up and I skip them (I can’t be blubbering every night when I am trying to blog), but tonight I got so caught up that I didn’t notice until it was too late. Cue the tears.
My dad’s birthday was just a few days ago, and I’ve had a bit of a rough time the days leading up to his birthday and off and on these past few days since. I feel like- since the first handful of months after his death passed- I haven’t really allowed myself to have a good cry. So I decided tonight was high time to do that, especially since I already got myself started on accident…
I feel a bit guilty having these blubber fests when I do. Why? Because I know that my dad is in a better place, God called him home because He wanted my dad there, and someday (God willing) I’ll see him again. I know that life doesn’t end with our death, only our earthly life does. I have great
hope knowledge that my dad is in Heaven with Christ and all of my loved ones who’ve gone before. My cousin posted this song, “Away Down The River” by Alison Krauss, on her Facebook page the night my dad passed away, and I think it’s just perfect…
That said, despite knowing my dad is in Heaven where God wanted him, I still have my moments of great sadness with how much I miss him and just need a good cry. I still think of him every.single.day, and have moments where I still think I need to call him up to come over for dinner or see if the kids and I can come over to visit for a bit. I can’t wait until the day I get to see him again.
While standing in line at Costco the other day I smelled him. I know this sounds odd, but you know how everyone has their own ‘smell’. Well, someone around me smelled just like my dad, and it was all I could do first not to break down in tears and second, not to sniff out that person and then just close my eyes and keep smelling them until I’d had my fill. I resisted, (lucky for both of us I’m sure)… I do still have one of my dad’s shirts that I cuddle with and smell every once in a while, but now most times it’s almost more torture than I can handle. Amazing that it still has his smell even 17 months later.
Although I’m sad and I miss him and I wish I could hug him one more time and hear his laugh one more time, I’m so thankful for the years I had with him, so thankful to have him for my dad, and more thankful to know I’ll see him again someday.
So now that I’ve had a good cry and put my feelings onto paper (more or less), I’ll share one last song that always makes me think of my dad. He loved this song- “Spirit In The Sky” by Norman Greenbaum- and every time it comes on I can hear him growl, “Oooo, good song!” and start humming and singing along.
Love you so much dad. Miss you tons.